If we are being honest, making friends as an adult can be awkward, overwhelming, and seem nearly impossible. We try time and time again just to be discouraged. Gone are the days of bonding over midnight pizza in the college dorms or instant friendships created through a recess game of tag.
Young adulthood is full of juggling responsibilities, navigating ups and downs, and maybe even healing from betrayals that left you more guarded than open and trusting. However, connection is still one of the most important things in this life. We crave it. We as humans are wired for belonging. Our relationships (especially the secure ones) build the foundation of our emotional well-being. Even though romantic relationships often take center stage, friendships are JUST as important. The most transformative and growing connections we make are those of intention- friendships rooted in authenticity, mutual respect and emotional safety.
So if the days of sleepovers and group projects have vanished, how do we go about making those intentional friendships? Whether you are drifting from old high school connections, starting fresh in a new city, or just craving friendships that feel more aligned with the adult person you are becoming – here are some therapist suggested tips to help you create the kinds of friendships that foster your growth and nourish your heart.
Assessing your needs and wants in a friendship
It is imperative that you pause and reflect before jumping into new social plans or group meet ups – ask yourself “what does meaningful connection look like for me?” Are you searching for spontaneous weekend plans? Deep, valuable, one-on-one conversations? Someone who shows up when you’re sick just to watch Bravo with you? Knowing what you need emotionally from a friendship helps you recognize and attract people who are aligned with you, it also protects you from investing in friendships that leave you feeling drained or unseen. Friendships don’t have to be about proximity and never about convenience. They also take work. It’s okay to want more from your friendships and it’s admirable to be honest about that – you deserve it.
Go to spaces that align with who you are
Intentional friendships rarely form in places where we feel we have to filter or shrink ourselves to fit in. It’s important to think about where you feel more natural and authentically you. That may be in a hiking group or a book club. Maybe you feel most aligned at open mic night at the comedy club. Start showing up in these spaces, even if you feel uncomfortable or awkward at first. The truth is, we must be vulnerable in order to begin a connection and nothing feels more vulnerable than doing something alone at first. You don’t need to be the most outgoing person in the room, all you need to do is show up as yourself and trust that. The right people will find you and more importantly, you will find them!
Practice reaching out first (even when it is uncomfortable)
Unfortunately friendship requires initiative and as much as we would like if everyone could read our mind, we simply just don’t have that ability as humans. If you meet someone you connect with, don’t overthink it, just text them and invite them to hang out – grab coffee or lunch. Feel free to follow up on something that you both talked about when you first met. Yes, sometimes it feels awkward at first but you are not a burden. Showing someone you’re interested in knowing them better is not needy – it is brave and more often than not welcomed with open arms. Reaching out to them lets them know you see them, you want to get to know them – and everyone is looking for that. Someone has to reach out first, why not you?
Stay open and let the friendship grow
Give space for the connection to grow, but also for trust to develop in the friendship. You don’t have to force a connection just because you want one, let yourself unfold naturally. Check in with how you feel around them. Do you feel respected? Seen? Comfortable to be your full self? If so, keep fostering it. It’s valid to feel skeptical of a new friendship but don’t let that stop you from trying. The healthiest adult friendships are formed when we know our own needs, boundaries, and show up with intention. There are people out there waiting to support you, celebrate you, and love you for who you are. Don’t miss it just because it hasn’t arrived yet. You deserve a safe, soul touching friendship.
In closing, friendship is a practice, especially in young adulthood. Be intentional and patient. Show up as yourself, because your people are out there looking for someone just like you. Be proud of the version of you who waited for intentional friendships and fostered strong connections. Your people are on their way.
